Ugh! After weeks, and weeks of avoiding my bathroom scale, I got on it today. Not cool, man, not cool. I am very disappointed with the number that flashed on the screen. I had gotten up the courage to get on the scale last week, but the battery was dead. I bought a new one on Friday…and just now pulled my big girl panties (no pun intended) to be brave enough to check my numbers. I will tell you what the number did for me (no, I’m NOT sharing the number with you), it made me log my breakfast, and planned out all of my calories for the rest of the day. By that I mean, I’ve even entered dinner & snacks, including weights and measures. I will be using the heck out of my kitchen scale and measuring cups. I also know my regaining much of what I had lost last year, is a big part of my lack of energy, and I’ve been talking myself out of my daily walks. I’ve been being lazy. That is over. I know that to have more energy, you have to expend some energy, as illogical as it sounds. I also admit with all the stress that’s come up since January, I’ve been eating my feelings. We’ve had more ice cream than I care to remember in the last few months. No wonder my jeans are getting tight again.
I sat and wrote my list of why I want/need to lose weight, and for the first time, my upcoming high school reunion wasn’t on the list. I don’t care what those people really thing, long-term. Yes, I’ll be uncomfortable, and feel like I’m being judged, as always about my weight. I think that’s a normal thing for fat folks like myself. This time on my list my heart and my health was first. Sadly, and unfortunately, I’ve had two wake up calls in the last 30 days. I want many, many years on this Earth, to hopefully live to see grand babies. I also don’t want my weight to hold me back, as I’ve seen it do other people, and has done to me at least once in the past. I am 99% sure I was passed over for a job because of my size. Years ago, I was interviewing for job in a doctor’s office, and the office manager made a point to mention how many times I’d have to go up and down the stairs at the office a day, to obtain patient files, repeatedly, and once she even stated I might find it challenging. (Yes, deep down, I’m still a little torqued off about it.)
You all can see by my profile picture (for those of you who don’t know me personally) that I’m a big girl. I’ve been a big girl since I was 11, except for a short time in my early teens. I look back at my wedding photos, when I had lost 20-ish pounds, and I was about 240 lbs, and honestly, as counter-intuitive as it is, I looked pretty good, I was wearing a size 16-18, and I’d give up a pinkie toe to weigh that again, without the time and work it’s going to take to get there. I’m going to get there. It may sound weird to most people, but my goal is what the “charts” say I should weigh. I would be happy to stay “pleasantly plump.” It’s just the number on the scale right now screams “health issues ahead!!!” I’m not prepared to face those, so again, it’s time to do something about it. Eventually, it’ll stick, right?
I’m recommitting to logging my food, and my daily walks. (Look at all the accountability I’m putting out there.)
Yes, you’ve heard it before, and I’m sure I’ll write about it again, reporting progress as times goes by.